Every Attorney's Biggest Weakness is Their Need to Feel Important and Loved

Transcript

[00:00:00] today it's an interesting story, but it's a touchy feely type of discussion and, I think next week, and then the following week, we're going to do much more, hands-on type of, webinars where we're going to talk about interviewing and questions to ask and different practice settings that people come out of.

[00:00:17] And some other stuff that will give you a lot of practical advice, but, the past several weeks have been talking about more, topics that I think are very essential to, people's ability to stay practicing law or to succeed practicing law in different types of environments.  then also this sort of relates to some extent, teach your personal life and what happens there and how that can impact, your job as well.

[00:00:42] And, these are all really important topics. And the reason I. Write about this stuff and talk about some certain topics like this is because I see many times people have, very serious career problems that happen. And a lot of times it's for these sorts of reasons and even life problems. the [00:01:00] stories I'm gonna talk about today, involve people that have really gone off the rails because of.

[00:01:05]things that have happened to them, related to this topic  they've done it in legal settings and non-legal settings  maybe even some of your own relatives have experienced the same problem. this is an important topic. And after I talked today, then I will also take as many questions as anybody has.

[00:01:20] And you should feel free to ask all of the questions you have. You can ask them about the topic today. You can ask them about any career questions you have and I will, answer. Okay. there's a woman, right down the street from me. She's 29, I guess she just turned 30 a few days ago, but. and she comes over.

[00:01:38] I have a parent and the parent sits out on a deck in a cage and, she comes over and takes us parrot for long walks. I don't know why anybody would take a pair for a long walk, but she comes over to the house and grabs a parrot and, walks to the parrot on the beach, sings to the parent and spends long hours with a parent.

[00:01:56] And honestly, I don't know, how much the parent likes these walks [00:02:00] because. the parent usually lets people pick them up and gets on them very easily. And the parent, now you have to actually, use a stick to get the parent to come with her. this parent will get up on a stick before it'll get on her.

[00:02:11] I think it can send some energy or something that doesn't like, but the parent makes her very happy.  I think it's good for the parent to, get out of the house. I have no problem with it. parents are a lot of work and I, it's probably the absolute worst pet anybody, or I certainly could have ever gotten, I need to watch TV with a parent about an hour a day.

[00:02:30]if, spend an hour a day with a parent it'll scream all night. So it needs, just a lot of a time and attention. And, even, during the day, the Parris loud, and, She screams at people. And I live in the beach

[00:02:41]walking by the house all day, tend to, stop and talk to this parent. So the parent does have some entertainment. and there's generally, almost all the time, there's a crowd literally in front of my house talking to this para, which seems funny, but it's true.

[00:02:55]before that I had an African gray parrot, which none of this, I can't imagine. It's very interesting to you, but [00:03:00] I'll talk. But, the African grandparent was a much smaller acquired or easy to get along with. it was, Killed by a Hawk, at my house. And after that happened, I decided, I was very upset.

[00:03:11] I wanted to get the best bird I could. And so I bought this kind of fancy carrot. but the girl that takes care of the parrot is odd. she has a limp, she's there, she has a tattoo, like that goes all the way down, her bath side of her body and these kinds of New York Yankees type of, lettering.

[00:03:28]on the side, it's on the side of her ribs and, she's not a very good shape. And honestly, when she first moved in, she's, a couple of doors down, I thought she might be a prostitute or drug addict because, she was missing a tooth. she had bruises and just didn't look right.

[00:03:41]she looked very off and, when she speaks, she loses her train of thought. And she's very friendly though, extremely friendly and, very complimentary not to people like she'll walk up and say very nice things. so despite all this, I really, started liking her and thinking she was a, a nice person, And then she lives in a house, that has [00:04:00] been turned into a, like a rental with multiple units.

[00:04:04]on either side of her there's, there's one house that was sold for $18 million, not too long ago. Now that was 14 years, a really nice houses and the street I lived on, there's. I'm mixed. it's not all nice houses. some of them are not nice and hers is one that's not nice.

[00:04:19] And, the showers are actually not in the septics. So every time people take a septic, a shaman, a shower, it runs out to the beach. it's, and you can see it cause there's, Bubbles and stuff. and there's all these illegal apartments in our house. and the woman, that owns the house, bought it at, I think, 1975.

[00:04:35] so she's chopped it up and has all these, Hartman center, I think at least six of them. And the house is probably no more than 3000 square feet. people have no parking. It's just, it's not a great place. but the longest time I didn't ask, this woman, any questions about herself, she's a.

[00:04:50]A welder, from Chicago  then one day my girlfriend was, Talking to her and discovered that she and my girlfriend's French and discovered that this [00:05:00] girl, spoke flawless French. just, as if she was a native  then she also speaks a couple of other languages, that she picked up and learned on her own.

[00:05:07] And the rest of the time, first Chicago accent is so strong. You can hardly understand her. she had people from Chicago that are, from Chicago or different parts of Chicago really have, A real strong accent. And, but, for someone like her that was so broken down and, drives a beat up truck, to speak French the way she did.

[00:05:26] And, these other languages just didn't make a lot of sense. And, I never asked her any personal questions cause I didn't really think it was any of my business. She lives with a, a beefy man in his mid sixties. Who's a contractor. he never comes out of a apartment. And, very rarely. I only saw him maybe briefly outside twice a summer.

[00:05:46] And, I would say he's in his mid to late sixties and, Yeah, he's got tattoos and so forth. And, I figured maybe he just, is a guy that has a girlfriend in his twenties and he's in his late sixties. but I just always wondered about what was going on between the two of [00:06:00] them.

[00:06:00] And it just, the whole thing just didn't seem like it made a lot of sense to me. And, but last night, after taking the bird on a walk, actually she took the bird. I came, for at least a few hours. she came over and started talking to me in the middle of, and, my girlfriend, the middle of a television show that we stopped, Talk to her, but, before she took the bird that we were sitting on the beach and she came up and asked what she could spend some time with me and I told her she could.

[00:06:25] then she told us that, my girlfriend had that she liked us because we were the only people she'd met in Los Angeles who didn't spend all their time talking negatively about others. And I thought that was a nice thing to say.  I thought about it. a lot of people, And a lot of different groups and certainly not everybody, and it's not even close to everybody.

[00:06:41]there's a lot of people that do, and a lot of people that don't, but a lot of people to talk negatively about others.  then when she came back to the house that evening with a bird. she explained that, the bird was very helpful for her. It had been, helping her stay sober.

[00:06:54] And, I guess she'd been sober for 10 years and she started crying. And when she did a [00:07:00] bird, went over to her and started kissing her, which, which is unusual. And I never heard her story before, but, as she started telling her story, she said that until she was about 15 years old, she'd been, sexually abused by a neighbor.

[00:07:13] from the time she was 10 to about 15 and she was from this kind of large Catholic family and they allowed, this neighbor, to take care of her. And she was from a very large, very prominent, Catholic family in a very nice suburb. And this neighbor was friends of theirs in church and had been friends with our family  then she eventually told her family about to be abuse.

[00:07:33]instead of believing her, they accused her of lying to making the whole thing up. And, they just couldn't deal with the fact that the story might be true. And, instead of, listening to her, they took the neighbor's side  apologized to the neighbor that their daughter was making up stories.

[00:07:49] And she became so upset by this, that. she moved out and moved in with a friend. she immediately, very quickly to drown out all this pain, started drinking  then using drugs and began this [00:08:00] huge downward spiral and, ended up not because she's very smart.

[00:08:04]she learned all these languages on her own. she's just a freaking brilliant man. I don't even understand it. but even though she'd been, drunk and using drugs off her high school and she was living with a friend. she came home and she was 18 and she gotten a scholarship to some school.

[00:08:21] I don't remember what it was, but it was, like a good state school somewhere.  so when she was 18, she came home from college on a break to attend a family. Why didn't she hadn't seen her, family in a while.  by that time she was trying to get sober on her own.

[00:08:34]she'd been, when she was away at college, she had been trying to stop drinking then, but without success. And then, so she came home and knew that if she drank at this wedding, there would be problems. And so right before, the, going to the rehearsal dinner for the wedding, she looked up some AA meetings and I'm the only one she could find was a men's meeting.

[00:08:52] So she went to that and, she told them that she didn't have a lot of experience being sober or with a, and asked them what to do. [00:09:00] And, they just gave her a lot of advice and, none of it really registered with her. so she just tuned it out and didn't listen. And. Then she went to the rehearsal dinner and she was seeing her family for the first time in a long time.

[00:09:13] And, her whole family was drinking. So she started drinking and they started doing shots of ACDC thunderstruck. And I guess it's time that we're at the Salk where we come on. she would do a shot  became very drunk, and, So without realizing it, she decided she needed drugs. And so she took the keys to her mom's car and started driving to downtown Chicago or.

[00:09:38] And around to find a drug dealer. but the last thing she remembers is I guess she decided not to go downtown, but she woke up in the house of, someone that had been a drug dealer when she was in high school at her high school. And, she woke up and, I guess they were, he was having sex with her and she ran out of the house, fell in the snow.

[00:09:56] And that's the last thing she remembers. And,  One month [00:10:00] later, she woke up in the hospital or, neck and back had been broken. she'd hit the back of her head so hard. So she was actually still blind, cause she hit it so hard. she had no idea where she was and apparently after falling to snow, she'd gotten back in her car and plowed into a house over a hundred miles an hour.

[00:10:17] And that was thrown from the car and into the house. actually, she said she. I'd actually flew through a wall in the house and, landed in the dining room, and, it required multiple surgeries on her face, which is why she looks a little weird and, her jaw nearly been ripped off.

[00:10:33]one of our islands was ripped off and, she still can't properly walk after all this. And, so she's, obviously not in a very good shape.  she had a, a boyfriend, or if she went to rehab several years later, she, decided that she was going to, he contacted her and a guy that had been her, our counselor when she'd gone to, drug and alcohol rehab after.

[00:10:56] Getting out of surgery and everything from all of this, [00:11:00] getting out of the hospital from her accident. so this was maybe, almost eight or nine years later. And, her former counselor contacted her. And I guess the reason he was in, Malibu was because. he'd been facing criminal charges in Chicago.

[00:11:13] So if you run away and gotten a job in Malibu at a rehab center, so a bunch of rehab centers in Malibu, and, so he started a board there. He invited her out to Malibu  she came and, to stay with him there and then decided that she was going to stay there.

[00:11:26] And, he made her feel very good. And he, it was nice to her, and, convince her to move out there, move out to Malibu and everything. And, but eventually the relationship became, very abusive and, he started becoming physically abusive and, just not treating her very well.

[00:11:41] she was working for her current boyfriend at the time, that she's living with now. And, he noticed that she was coming to work with bruises and black eyes and so forth.  her final night with him. he put her head in the door and kept smashing it as he opened it, close the door, and eventually knocked out a few repeats in the process and that's why she was missing [00:12:00] teeth.

[00:12:00]when she went to work with, the next day with broken teeth, her boss said, there's just enough and. he had her meet and him with him and this of course led to, relationship.  now she says that he saved her life and she owes, he owes her and everything for getting her out of the situation she was at.

[00:12:14]despite living in an arrested random festival art apartment on the beach and doing, small welding jobs, she's happy.  then I guess her only relief now is that her boyfriend has SaaS-based kind of sexual addictions,  but anyway, even when she talks, it's very difficult for her to make eye contact because one of her eyes is sideways from the accident and, she's walking cause she hobbles because he still has issues with her back.

[00:12:37] It's fine. And a lot of bad things. If you look at her life, I mean she's 30 years old right now, a lot of bad things have happened to her and continue to happen to her and she's lost  being lost. she's saying the only thing that's keeping her sane as this crazy.

[00:12:50] Know, prehistoric parent  that's the thing is that, or w what I see is there's so many parallels to, things I see happen to attorneys all the [00:13:00] time, and everyone out there, needs to be supported and taken care of including, their clients and the people you work for and, looking at her life and what happened to her.

[00:13:10]everything started going wrong, when she didn't feel like she was supported there's certainly, when she said that she liked us because of the only people that didn't. Talk and, gossip about others all the time,  w what she really was saying is that, most of the people that she's met, find fault with other people and point out the weaknesses.

[00:13:28] then, she obviously knew that she has a lot of weaknesses, so she probably felt, if, we're talking, if we were talking negatively about others, or we were talking to her about her  so forth. a lot of people, when they see you criticized and others certainly, realize that you would criticize them as well.

[00:13:43] that makes them, not want to spend time with you or be around you. and the thing that's interesting, as before she told her parents about the sexual abuse, she was doing very well in school. and, things weren't going well for her, of course, because.

[00:13:56]though, because she was being abused and, what she said was [00:14:00] by the time her parents were born, because there were so many kids in her family, her parents just didn't have the energy anymore. they were much happier with a neighbor, parenting her and spending time with her then themselves.

[00:14:11] this person, that ended up taking care of her, really wasn't someone supporting her. He was someone. That was taken from her at a young age when he shouldn't have been.  that just wasn't a good thing. and then when she was old enough to realize that, the person that was taken care of for him, what he was doing was wrong.

[00:14:26]her parents turned against her instead of supporting her and, her life actually, at that point, went off the cliff and started using drugs and drinking. The miscue us, and, just didn't feel supported by anyone or parents. the person that, had been raising her, and other things.

[00:14:46] And and she just, if you look around her, she was just looking for support. even the night she had the accident, she was going to, A meeting, looking for support, and she didn't get the support she needed there. And then, for whatever reason, she needed drugs to feel good about [00:15:00] herself when she, was at the party.

[00:15:02] then somehow she. found a drug dealer and that person took advantage over us. If you just look around, everywhere she was going, she was being taken advantage of  the bad things that happened to her, the same thing, that happens to everybody when they feel like the people around them don't support them.

[00:15:19]people. That don't feel supported, will act out, they'll use substances to all the pain, and their lives really, in fear, out of control. They, and this poor girl, if you look at the history of her life, even now, she's doing everything she can to feel supported  everybody needs some love and support of others.

[00:15:36]years ago, a long time now, but I was married and, in a lawsuit it gets to people that had, taken money from me and an illegal real estate transaction, a pot of money.  after a few years of this lawsuit, I ended up going to a settlement conference, and I invited my wife and instead of a conference, if you're not a litigated, you, if you're litigating, I'm sorry, we're just rehashing this.

[00:15:55] But basically what they do is they put. two people and shoot the two parties in different rooms. And [00:16:00] then a retired judge, typically retired judges will kind of shuttle between the different rooms  tell each other the strengths and weaknesses of their, of the strengths of the other party's case.

[00:16:10] Tell and get you to come down and your demands and try to get a settlement. and I brought my wife at the time along to support me and she didn't really know, don't know much about the lawsuit. At the conference, what happened with her is, and this is what the judge certainly was trying to do, but it happened to her to an extreme, as she just completely decided the shaker, but the other side, and not me.

[00:16:30] of course the case didn't settle. And then I, got home. And she was on the phone talking to her mother in the driveway and, she believed the other side, not, and thought they had the better case and I should drop my case and just wasn't nice.  then when it came to the trial, she decided to stay home because she just didn't believe in the case anymore.

[00:16:46] And, so I went alone and my attorney, I didn't feel supported.  even though regardless of her opinions, not being supported and something that was important. to me, and it's not really that big of a deal and retrospect, but, it created issues in the marriage and any time [00:17:00] someone doesn't feel supported and something, it can create issues.

[00:17:03]it can create issues for you. If you decide that you no longer wanna practice law and one of your spouses, will not support you in that you may resent them and feel like the only way for you to be happy is to get on your marriage. In addition to, you're not a practicing law, or if they don't support you.

[00:17:19] Working and you want to work or, it just all sorts of things, or you want to move from being a different part of the country, closer to your parents. there's always going to be resentment if you don't feel supported in something and the more personal it is to you, meaning something like, being abused by your neighbor.

[00:17:34] My God. if that support does come, that can be, very difficult. So regardless of her opinions, I need it. Murdered and it just hurt. And it made me feel, alone and abandoned and, everyone needs to have, their families and others that is very important. And we need people that believe in us and what we can become.

[00:17:55] if you look around, if you're in a law firm or an, environment or whatever environment you're in, [00:18:00] most people are surrounded by people. litigators are opposed by the other side by judges, by, by the compliance by, there's people that they're working for in the firm.

[00:18:11]there's just all sorts of people. the, oppose attorneys and it's difficult and people really need to be supportive. after almost dining, automobile accident, this.  for approval and support. She looked for a, and she looked at it in the recovery community  she got it.

[00:18:28] so she became very active in this whole recovery community and then her counseling and supported her, when she was,  I guess a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center, contact her and want to reconnect.  she turned to him  moved in with him and, felt like good things were happening and felt loved and cared about with this sort of father authority figure.

[00:18:48] he made her feel good.  then, and then ended up, of course, taking advantage of her, but ultimately, she wasn't good. so because people have been so unkind with her whole life, what she's [00:19:00] done. I think a lot of people she's made friends with a parent, which to her feel safe, compare it.

[00:19:05] Doesn't judge in light, sir. parents snuggles with her, when she cries, the parent comes up to her. The parent brings her positive attention from others and she, when she takes a walk with a parrot crowds form around her people take her picture. she feels, a lot of attention and gets attention and it feels important.

[00:19:24]I certainly wouldn't want to take this pair for a walk and people standing around and taking pictures, but, but she likes that, and she goes hiking in the fells and everyone stops and notices her, the parents  they don't notice kind of her handicaps and stuff. They noticed the parent.

[00:19:37] Yeah. And I think that makes you feel good. so instead of a girl with all these tattoos and crack it face and so forth, I see a parent and she gets positive attention, whichever one needs.  many attorneys, And this is, one of the more important points I want to make today is that they don't understand that, the people that they work for, who, are your law firm, they're the clients you represent.

[00:20:00] [00:19:59] And, other people, they really need your support, the best attorneys, out there. Not that I've ever had. actually make me feel supported. They'll listen to me. They'll, they'll be concerned. They'll try to come up with solutions where as most attorneys, and again, I'm when I say most I'm talking to maybe 51, 52%, they're really more concerned about themselves and their appliance and communication because they're concerned about, their salaries, their, their egos or.

[00:20:26]things like that.  not necessarily, their clients, it's very important, to make your clients feel supported, the best attorneys that have the most business out there, and that are the most successful and are really the best at their jobs are ones that, tend to really support the clients.

[00:20:42] And really their clients really believe they have their back. and their clients will do anything for them. They'll refer other people to them though help them. and, because very few people. are able to find other people that are, really care about them and to support them in the world.

[00:20:57] I, I can remember like when I was in college, there were [00:21:00] a couple of people that I really supported and, those people still are in touch with me. decades later, mainly because, I think that I made them feel supported when other people did in the past.

[00:21:10] It's just such an important thing. And, very few people, those who will listen to us and take our side. And like this girl was saying, most of the times, a lot of people will gossip. They'll doubt us. they'll send us mixed signals about what is essential  lot of people are just out for themselves and their popularity and support and the best attorneys and the most pocket, the ones really make their clients feel supported and.

[00:21:32]and the attorneys that the law firms and, other employers want to keep around typically will make, their law firms feel supported and the people that they work for inside the law firms supporter. And if they don't do that and thinks that they're part of this kind of gossip crew or the people that are making trouble and talking negatively about others or out for themselves, then.

[00:21:53] Those are usually the first people to go and the last people hire. So that's something to think about,  you may [00:22:00] not understand what I'm saying today, like the message that the girl was, not here, that message alone is something that can change your whole career on your life.

[00:22:08] If you really understand what I just said. And very few people, have our back and very few people. We'll have your back. your family may have your back, sometimes, or they may not like this girl, her family did back when she was in an age where she really needed it. In general.

[00:22:24]most people are out for themselves. my ex-wife, on that, situation took, cared more about taking the other side, than me, and that had its results for her ended up having, bad results. the girl's parents were more concerned with the effects of having a daughter sexually abused by their friend for years.

[00:22:44] Look to it made them look then their daughter's well-being. So instead of getting support, and the legitimate support she's found. many men in her life that did the opposite. And, she's in a small basement apartment with a man more than twice her age.  there are only a [00:23:00] logic, for being there.

[00:23:01]her main logic that, when this other guy was beating her up, she, he supported her and helped her, but in return for that, she's given me my profile too, and everything else she has to offer, but. you have to ask yourself that's really the right thing and is a relationship just based on that support enough.

[00:23:19] And maybe it is, maybe just someone supporting us is worth our loyalty to them, for the rest of our lives. and maybe it's worth, being in a, a 500 square foot apartment with no windows. I don't know. it might be  the big thing is, I know, lots of attorneys, one of my, the first firm I was at, every single attorney except for maybe one or two of us divorced.

[00:23:43]I know many attorneys, That, got divorced when they had a setback in their careers and, sometimes they may have lost their job. or other times they, they went into, other careers and then they lost their jobs and they get that. And, instead of standing behind them and supporting them, and it [00:24:00] was mainly men and I'm talking about men mainly because those are the people that I know the best I had this problem, but I'm sure it happens the other way, but, instead of it behind them, their wives.

[00:24:10]often a band went South  men do the same, with their wives, of course, when, a full, okay, they're very nice to them. And then when they get older, not as attractive or they have kids or whatever, they no longer support them and may trade them in for a younger, so wives will get plastic surgery and, we can do all sorts of things, in order to keep being loved.

[00:24:30] everybody wants this love and support.  when this disappears, the worst issues, in our lives happen and it's, sad, when I've seen men, all these men get divorced when they have, or, women, having problems when, when they get older, middle-aged, it's not good.

[00:24:48]and so when we don't feel supported and taken care of by society and our family and others, we may feel a lot of pain. And I think that, lots of the problems in the world, that people feel are due to that lack of [00:25:00] support. I think, and if you're an attorney, which you know, or you're planning on being an attorney, then.

[00:25:05]you have to understand that, what the clients want is they want someone to support them. that's your job as an attorney is to provide that support. It's not to find fault and the worst attorneys out there, and I've known a lot of them will make fun of their clients to think negatively of them.

[00:25:20] They'll, and they really won't go out of their way to support them. Whereas the best ones will always support them.  that's stat and. and to be good inside of a law firm or any legal environment and your client needs to feel supported and the people that you work for and you need to feel supported.

[00:25:35] And it's just very important. And if you're going to be happy, you need to definitely support those that are around you. And, the more support you provide them, the more, they're going to be happy and like you, and the more they're going to come back to you and, you need to be there and have other people's facts, then you need to show other people, you care for them.

[00:25:54]and you also need to realize that people aren't always going to be there for you, and you're always not going to have that support. [00:26:00]

[00:26:00]Do you think? and I said this earlier, but my best interactions with attorneys, accountants, and others have always been, when I felt that they were supporting me and. When people working for me were generally looking out for my best interest and, got involved and were consistently take, took my side.

[00:26:18] I would do anything for them. I, and that's rare. there's very few people that your side, in any business or, Anywhere.  people that do that are certainly, fair market value. And, my longest running friendships with people that I supported for different points in their lives when other people weren't.

[00:26:37]I know, well-known attorney, that does very well. And he told me that the source of his success and almost all of his clients has been when, the chips were down for an attorney that had a lot of potential and, whether he was inside of a company or whoever the person was, and he stepped in and, help that attorney somehow with, with some sort of support.

[00:26:59] then that [00:27:00] person. Became his, champion, later on. And I thought that was a really good point. It was all about support. It was all about the person feeling supported, when the chips were down.  then for the rest of that person's career, they've dedicated themselves to helping him, in, in my personal life when I've helped people.

[00:27:20] And supported them when others won't. those people are just always around. I don't know what it is. they're, they call them the chicken on me when I don't do the same with them or they, and and, they're always there and it's really nice. there's very few people that will do that.

[00:27:34]without support from our significant others, we feel very much alone. And, when children don't feel supported, they rebel and have issues. how many. Parents will withhold lugs and windfall, material support and so forth. If their children aren't the people that they want them to be.

[00:27:50] If they don't, if the children are six steps and to be, really good in school and they have, they want to be artists and staff, how many parents won't support them there, or how many parents [00:28:00] don't support their kids, if their kids turn out to be.  I'm not, don't have the sexual orientation they want them to or something else.

[00:28:08]I don't know, but people just, so many people without. The right support are just their lives are just thrown into turmoil when they don't need to be. And, people need support and children that do feel supported will be around forever. In most cases, though, it won't be from their parents forever.

[00:28:24] they'll always be their parents, be it that, or take care of their parents if their parents aren't that mostly,  the most successful people, really do make people feel supported  the most successful attorneys make their clients feel supportive, the most successful, people and almost all companies and law firms make the employers feel supported.

[00:28:42] my company is, the longest training people here have, certainly made, me and the company feel supported. something to understand, is that, and this is very important. the second someone feels like you don't support them and have their back. they're very apt not to like, or want to advance you.

[00:28:57] So I have these kinds of issues all the time. I have to [00:29:00] keep all of that. I can think of one example of someone that I hired, for a job here that was a, really legitimately, making, very little money when they started here as a contract attorney and within a couple of years, the person was making, several hundred thousand dollars a year and I had really helped, this person's career.

[00:29:16] And then all of a sudden, the person became very negative towards the company on meetings and the create issues and get other people upset and, wouldn't support the company when they were interviewing people and so forth. And so that person. ended up causing more problems for themselves, than they needed to.

[00:29:34] And, it's not someone I fired, but certainly, the person had a lot of problems out for that. So if the company or affirm, thinks you don't have positive opinions of them, especially after they may have taken a chance and hired you when they had all sorts of options of other people to hire.

[00:29:49]they may try to get rid of you or they may stop giving you work or all sorts of things. And, if attorneys, and your firm think that you think negatively of them and don't support them and they can, they may see you [00:30:00] smiling snickering or something or looking at their direction.

[00:30:02] They don't know. But if they. See that once, and then they may stop working with you. if your staff, the people that, work for you, in your office, or your secretary or your other staff, people think you don't have their back, they won't support you and they may undermine you, to your superiors and they may undermine you to other people in your firm and maybe they'll even look for new jobs.

[00:30:22] And so all this whole idea of people supporting one another is huge. It's huge for you getting clients. and it's also huge for you, being able to. keep, your job,  wherever you're at. If you don't, if your people that you're working for, don't feel supported, they're not gonna want to keep you around.

[00:30:40]So the next part of this presentation is about,  bad people, praying in your need. So supportive, taken care of and acknowledged, and this is something, that I'm also quite familiar with and that you need to be aware of that, one of the things that I think is the most distinguishing and the biggest lesson about this girl's [00:31:00] story, is that what happened to her do due to her need to feel supported and cared for, she, her parents weren't paying attention to her because.

[00:31:08]they'd already raised a bunch of kids and were retired out. so they allowed, a neighbor to step in and do that. And that person, sexually abused her, when her parents were apps, then she came to Malibu, seeking support from a man who had been her counselor and a rehab center and, to make her feel supported there.

[00:31:26] And he also abused her. And. and now she's in a relationship with a much older man, who makes her feel supportive, And it's because of that, her name that she's constantly been abused and Kirk and her life, and she's 30 years old. and the thing is, it's important to realize is.

[00:31:43]if we feel like somebody is going to support and take care of us, we're going to be vulnerable to others, and people can, honestly, they can, there's so many ways that they can take advantage of us. and there's just so many different ways. And one of the things I'll say to you is that I've come to the conclusion  I didn't use to believe this.

[00:32:00] [00:31:59] I honestly, I don't know that I believe that even, six months ago, but. There are people in this world, that are even better just bad people, and there really are.  maybe a year ago is when I realized this, I, know someone that, has a security guard parked out in front of their house every night because, because they steal from people and they can't help themselves.

[00:32:20]and, there's just lots of people out there that are bad. There's people that are always waiting to scam, and each of us hurt us. some employers that you go to work for, are, could potentially be evil. And when I say evil, they're out there. Just not good people.

[00:32:34]some clients are evil and, the inmate work for,  people that are evil. we use our need for love and support, against us and to take advantage of our need for sleep. And it's just, this is kinda what happens,  they'll use that, fundamental human need. To be supported, to hurt us.

[00:32:52] And what's so upsetting about this girl, to me, this, her story is what happened her because she needed to be loved and acknowledged. if you think about it, there were so many [00:33:00] people that were taking advantage of her, a drug dealer, a rapist, a child molesters, and all sorts of other people waiting in the wings to take advantage of her because she was weak and needed.

[00:33:11]and I don't even know if it's a weakness. she just had this fundamental need, to be supportive. when she was drunk, she went to the drug dealer's house, passed out and was raped and just all over there's evil people that are waiting in the wings to hurt you. And, when you're, when things aren't going well for you and in this divorce, years ago, I watched as attorneys on their both sides just did everything they could to.

[00:33:34]run a bill. So it was just crazy. They would create issues where there were none. They would. Intentionally not set up the case, they would do things or so department limit wouldn't limit their ability to keep charging money. and they did this, on both sides, but, for my wife, the attorneys would do it.

[00:33:49] So she would feel supported, cared for. And on my side, they would do it. because they wanted to be, pretty even in London, mean to feel protected. And, there was actually no need for litigation because I have, everything [00:34:00] was set out before I even got married about what would happen to vendor divorce.

[00:34:03]but somehow they found a way to keep going and keep doing this. and the idea is bad. People will hurt other people and attorneys are no exceptions. there were attorneys out there that. we'll, run on bills and create problems and not tell people about things and, just fits just a lot of bad people out there.

[00:34:20] thing struck me as I was thinking about, this and, My girlfriend, worked in college, in a rehab center in Malibu, after she was,  a counselor there, and this was years ago, they're probably even more expensive now. I think now they're like, some of them are like $100,000 a month and, which I think is.

[00:34:36] It's just criminal. I don't know why anyone would have to charge that much money. but, anyway, they, the objective of a lot of these rehab centers is just to keep people there as long as they can. And she said that, people would come there, having very bad issues with substances or other things  they would check in there and.

[00:34:57]th they would have, groups and counts in each day, [00:35:00] where everyone would get together and talk about things. But really what would happen is the first 30 days people would be sold on the next 30 days. And then 30 days after that there would be stolen another 30 days.  then eventually they would be sold on going to a halfway house where, they literally would be living with a bunch of other people and being charged, lots of money to do that.

[00:35:17] so her. belief was, after watching this and it's not to say that they're all like this, of course, but many of them are, the majority of them were, is that, they're basically set up to take as much money as you possibly can about people. You will have a weakness where they need support, which is, using substances.

[00:35:33]but they also have money. the weaknesses, the substances, and so the group, the rehab centers will.  take care of them. They'll cook for them. They'll listen to them, but clean up after them, they'll make them feel supported, but they'll also, work on taking as much money as they possibly can for them as well.

[00:35:49] And, which I thought it's interesting. And when she explained to me. how they would do it. They would say things like, if you don't, stay another 30 days, you could end up dead or, you don't end up [00:36:00] in jail or, you'll end up back here anyway, next time it'll be more expensive and we'll give you up, all these things to calm people in.

[00:36:06] And then every time someone would sign up for an additional 30 days, it talked to the group about why they were staying another 30 days and how much they got out of the first 30 days. So everything just kept being self-reinforcing. So this relates to you because in your career, whether or not you're in a law firm, wherever you're working, working, they're going to be people that are going to pray in your need to feel supported and cared for, and, many attorneys, and the thing that's so interesting about the legal profession.

[00:36:34]So many attorneys work hard to get recognition to do well in school, to get new jobs and. A lot of it comes from a sense of lack. they, they feel that, many times parents will make them feel like they need to accomplish something to be loved or, they just believe that some sort of accomplishment will make them feel supported and taken care of.

[00:36:53] And so they work long hours and, they sacrifice the best use of the lives. many times, fluorescent offices, Know, [00:37:00] working all night, trying to get positive feedback from their employers. and they want to look like someone, important to the outside world. And they want to be loved by society and esteemed or have economic success or, have the people close to them, think positively of them.

[00:37:14] many times the reason for that is, they have holes that they need, they need filled with support and love employers will make it very hard for you. to get that support and love though, you'll require a long hours before they say nice things to you and give you bonuses and so forth there, before you're advanced.

[00:37:31] so they can often get the best of us, regardless of the profession you're in.  that's the support of others that makes a big difference to many of us and. most people that have mentors, will tend to do a lot better, in the practice of law and actually in everything.

[00:37:45] So if you don't have a mentor,  it's really important for you to get one and, I'm certainly, busy, but I'll, happy to mentor you in these calls each week are, the articles and so forth. And I think, just someone that, can mentor you, in your [00:38:00] job or talk to you,  tell you about issues and things before they happen.

[00:38:04] And, for me, Anytime I've had mentors or people that have helped me and look out for me, it's been tremendously helpful. And very few people have this and mentors will look out for you. they'll see the best in you. They'll guide you. and many people. don't have mentors, and they just don't feel supported.

[00:38:20] And because they don't have that, they feel antagonistic. They don't understand the rules, they don't have people around them that believe in them. without people that believe in you, you're, you're much more likely to be unhappy, and look for new jobs and different environments.

[00:38:32] organizations will attract us by making us think. we're going to be supported and taken care of, but you often don't find this. one of the interesting things is, a lot of times, law firms and other things love to say, Oh, we have a gym, we have this, we have all these things.

[00:38:48] But the most important thing is it's really just someone there that's taken an interest in you that you can go to with issues. That we'll be honest with you that help you, that will. not talk negatively about you behind [00:39:00] your back, that will help you avoid problems. That will act as a sounding board for you when things are going poorly.

[00:39:05] And that can make all the difference because they can frame, the way you respond to problems and issues that everybody faces. And, honestly, that's more important than the quality of the offices and the, even sometimes how good the firm is. if you have a mentor, that's a huge.

[00:39:22] Benefit, to you and, can really make, a major, difference in how successful and happy you are in your career, but because of our need to feel supported, we can be very vulnerable to people that will make us feel that way. employers that can make you feel like a part of a team supported,  that, if they do that effectively, that enables them often to pay much less than you're worth and make you work harder.

[00:39:44]and maybe, frankly, that works for a lot of people, having a group around like that works and there's nothing, I really can't, I certainly don't think it's completely positive, but there's also some, and there's, I'm sorry, I don't think it's completely negative cause there's also some positives to it.

[00:39:58]I've seen partners all the [00:40:00] time that are paid, $300,000 a year that should be making over a million. I've seen the associates, underpaid because the employer makes them feel good about themselves and that's how they evaluate things.  it's going on all over. you may be paying.

[00:40:12] Be paid less than, than you should be paid. But then at the same time you feel supported and you're happy. And maybe that's honestly, that may be more important. And if you are supported, that's a big deal. it's common, for many small law firms to make people feel supported and part of a group and do all these things very well and pay them lower sours and they should be, but in return, the person gets out support, religions, and do the same thing.

[00:40:35]people want to feel part of the group and they want to be supported and taken care of and acknowledged.  if they can, many religions will take every bit of money they can. and they don't care for living in poverty. many groups will acknowledge us if you give them large sums of money.

[00:40:49]schools do that all the time. they, they published list and they, I may want you to feel part of that. And then if you give more money, they'll put your names on. It means some things, people join gangs, commit [00:41:00] crimes, and do all sorts of things and give up, parts of themselves and, risk their freedom, because they want to be supported and accepted and you're going to be, Taken advantage of by others, in direct proportion to how much, and how desperate you are to feel supporting knowledge.

[00:41:15] if you don't have your wits about you, this honestly can go on forever. and most many of our needs in the world are, guided by this deep seated need to feel, unique and special. There's lots of attorneys out there that like to move firms, every year or two and have done that throughout their careers.

[00:41:32] I know several of them and, I've known, I know a lot of,  kind of them every day. and there's nothing wrong. It with wanting to move, careers if you're doing so for the right reason, meaning, you want to go or firms, or, if you're going to someplace that, legitimately will improve your long-term career, where you're going to get better at work and all those sorts of things.

[00:41:52]but a lot of people just do it for the wrong reasons. they liked the process where the recruiter flatters down, which some of them will and [00:42:00] tell them how great they are. And then I tell them about places they could work that are better than where they're at, where they might be more accepted.

[00:42:06]and then the attorneys like in interviews, because that's an, a form of acknowledgement  then moving to a new firm, is a process of acknowledgement. And then eventually all that wears off and it's like that with, relationships, with other people, where you meet new people and they express interest in you, and then you go out on dates, and things progressed from there.

[00:42:25] So it's just, but a lot of people will work with attorneys that are moving for the wrong reasons. And I certainly try to not do that because it's not good for the law firms and it's not good for the people. sometimes you need to face your own demons and. Worked through those. and.

[00:42:42]and recruiters, that see people and know people that move like that. no they're vulnerable.  even if it's sometimes not in that attorney's best interest to move, they know that the attorney will move and often do so as product. do you know something that I'm not proud of?

[00:42:56]and I haven't bought a car in a long time, but, years ago, I used to get [00:43:00] a text from a car salesman about once a year and they contact me about some special car that was new. that was a little bit better than the one I currently had, whether it was a different model or I don't know, but.

[00:43:11]and that he would ask me about my family and make me feel good about myself. And then invariably asked me if I wanted to look at some new cars that have recently come out and, I think about it for a day or two, but then I'd be like, what, like that extra, forced power that new body style would really make a big difference.

[00:43:28] And, so I'd go, have fun and go see him and, look at some new cars and test drive them. And. Talk to him and have fun and, often lose thousands of dollars trading in a car. and that was stupid. it's lots of people do that, but, it's very stupid. it made me feel good looking at new cars and getting something new and, it, wasn't just a good thing.

[00:43:47] Yeah. I'm certainly not alone. people do this with clothes. They do it with, their golf clubs. Every few years. People buy clothes all the time. They do it with, they like just the whole idea of, talking to salespeople or [00:44:00] whatever. It's just, it's not healthy. there's no reason to buy.

[00:44:03] You have to trade in a car 10,000 miles on it. And if you don't need a new one, it doesn't make any sense. but people do that. And. and then the weaker you are, the more vulnerable you are and the more likely you are to be taken advantage of and, taken advantage of just means, because of your weakness, people can, take advantage of you.

[00:44:19]being born with a car so we can, needing to be, wanting, being bored with your job and, needing to feel, positive feedback, by getting interviews and stuff, that's a weakness.  and our instinct, says, my instinct has at least said, bad people will not take advantage of us because they're weak.

[00:44:34] But in reality, the opposite is true. Yeah. in your most vulnerable, sorry. when you're most vulnerable, you're most likely to be taken advantage of.  in conclusion, the, if someone doesn't make, us film Portant, or, then we don't feel good about ourselves and can break our confidence and her self esteem, will question if we're good at something, we're not always motivated to do our best and we'll certainly always, most of us will rebel against people in groups.

[00:44:58] But don't make us [00:45:00] feel that make us feel important. And in terms of the girl, when her parents refused to believe that her neighbor was sexually abusing her, she went from being a good athlete, and incredibly gifted student to the opposite. she surrounded herself with people who also have used alcohol and drugs because that, became part of her life and she rebelled and tried to block everything out.

[00:45:18] And, she surrounded herself with people who felt like she did on the inside and ultimately. that are a ton of damage. And, she was abused by lots and lots of people. And if you don't feel supported by your employers and others around you, you will avoid those people. and you're going to, really, may be critical of people who make you.

[00:45:39]not feel important like your employers and talking negatively and, the people certainly that I've had the most issues with for people that I may feel it at work and to be good at your job, you just really need to make others feel important and taken care of, you needed this with your clients.

[00:45:53]With the people that you work for, and the better you do this, the better, more success you're going to become. And, most [00:46:00] clients are like us, they need advocates. and people that stick up for them and, everybody does. And, I started, when I started preparing this webinar, I was thinking about like the, The legal placement business and working with a new group of recruiters who just joined our firm.

[00:46:14] And I talked to them about the importance of, making a connection to their candidates and taking your side. And that's really one of the most important things, as and as a recruiter is you need to, the person that you're working for, it really needs to feel that you have their side of connection and.

[00:46:30]and I explained to them, hard as being an attorney and how many people don't feel like there's, they have people out there that are advocates, explain that, when you listen to people and you understand them, you're doing an actual job and illegal placement.  I also explained, that the best recruiters will take their candidate sign and become their advocate.

[00:46:47] And the worst recruiters, are the ones that make everything about themselves and their needs. an example would be for a recruiter, has a job, they call you about it and, they submit you. And then you never hear from that MCAT. if someone hears from me once, they never stop [00:47:00] here for me.

[00:47:00]I will, keep sending jobs and try to keep helping the person. Cause I don't give up on people. I'm an advocate and I, I'm not doing that to pester them. I'm doing that because I'm trying to help them. So I asked, one of them, our recruiters, how he feel if his wife is critical of him all the time, it didn't say positive things to him.

[00:47:17] And he told me he would be depressed, avoid here, be angry, find fault with her. And I'm not like her anymore. And this is what people do to us when we're not positive to us. if they're critical tips.  it was actually the day after I asked him that, that the girl walked into my house, started telling her story.

[00:47:34]So the idea is if you're going to be happy in this life, you need to find people and employers to support you. You need to realize that, if people are taking advantage of you and you're needing to be supported, then that you should be careful and, make sure that there really is a good proposal there.

[00:47:50] And, but most importantly, to be a good, employer, and employer, and to get clients, you need to be. Able to support others and build them up. [00:48:00] And that needs to be really part of your repertoire. Most of the most successful people I know are experts in this and they do it in a legitimate, way where they actually mean it.

[00:48:08] that's how you're going to get clients to be loyal to you, so way to be successful and have a really good career. And just this one piece of advice, if you get good at it, and you really, come back to this article again and again, and come back to this webinar. really can change your life and your career.

[00:48:24]just the whole idea of, support and think about the people that you have supported and think about the people that you haven't supported and what has happened differently with that. Think about jobs you have had that you left and maybe didn't support the employer or jobs you'd had. And you left where you did support the employer or jobs you're still at where you are supporting the employer.

[00:48:42] What's happened with that. Think about how you've gotten your clients in the past. Think about everything. Good. That's happened to you when you've supported people and what's happened to you when you have, so I'm going to take a quick break. when I come back, I will answer as many questions as anyone has about their career.

[00:48:57]keep in mind that, all your questions [00:49:00] are, Anonymous. any personal questions you have about your career that you think are worth for me to answer, I'm happy to, and I'll answer them. I try to answer the, each question, a lot of depth. So I will, I try to tell everything that I know, that can help you.

[00:49:14] And, you can ask me anything if you want to, whenever you want to ask, I'm happy to answer. And, I typically, have, quite a while to answer questions. So I rarely get up these calls because, I don't have time to answer all the questions. Thank you.

[00:49:26] I'll be back in a minute. Okay.

[00:49:28]Okay.

[00:49:29]Okay. Let's get started. So they've got the questions here. Let's start with the questions. All right. so this is a joke. Okay. first, I'm currently a law student in my second year. I want to know 1 whether law school really prepares us, Law students for law practice, finishing law school and law practice.

[00:49:49] And how can I have a smooth transition from law school into practice? law school doesn't really prepare you to for law practice. what it does, it tends to more, [00:50:00] often prepare you for, being a, to, for ta